I ask myself….

How have you been? How are you feeling right now?

these are questions I found myself asking a lot during the day. And whenever I did, I always seemed to find something in the darkest corner of my mind that I didn’t pay attention to before that point.

I’m okay. Sometimes I’m not sure how to answer that. most of the times my brain is full and spinning and I can’t seem to form cohesive thoughts. sometimes i can’t seem to pin point what it is that I’m afraid of. I can’t find the reason for my sadness. my head and heart is heavy most of the times. just one big giant ball of cluster fuck. That fear of vulnerability terrifies me. That feeling of getting excited for something or someone and being let down plagues my mind, all of the time. I won’t let myself fully feel. Because I am afraid. I am afraid of being let down and disappointed. I’m afraid of the heavy thoughts and the days when everything is just heavy and cloudy. There were many lonely nights of drinking to feel numb, drinking to black out. Many of nights of making bad decisions to feel numb. There were many days of pure panic leading up to panic attacks that left me feeling exhausted, empty and non human. There were days when I dissociated so badly that it scared the people around me, that left me terrified and exhausted. which led me to isolate. It’s been hard.

It’s been three months. In the last three months, I started college, moved away from home; was able to somehow make it this far on my own. Not that i needed anyone, I think I’m a very independent person, ever since I was little. It feels refreshing, It’s been extremely hard, but here I am. In the last 3 months, I fell in love, got my heart broken, twice. Just to meet someone, and fall in love again. hard. It’s been hard, especially with my depression and anxiety. First semester of college has been interesting up to this point. I’ve met some really cool people and formed bonds with them. I also somehow managed to perform okay in school whilst also being in the worst state I’ve experienced with my depression and anxiety yet. There was one week when I didn’t leave my bed or attend classes, but i always bounced back and got my shit together. It was hard, It’s been hard. Here I am. Winter break started Friday so I’m home for the holidays.

It’s never fun being home. I feel almost weird and unwanted and unsafe in my own home.

And I don’t want to be. Here… I never did, that’s why leaving for college was so refreshing.

I met a girl.

I miss her, I miss holding her, I miss kissing her. I miss cuddling her all night, and falling asleep in her arms. It’s only been two days away from our safe haven and I’m already dreading being home. It’s going to be a long month.

It’s going to be a LONG month. The feeling of unwanted, awkwardness by my mom and everyone in my house is going to kill me… Maybe that’s a bit dramatic…

I’m in Love and it feels great.

-B-

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Where the hell have I been?

I’m back, 

    The number 1 reason why I haven’t written anything in a month, is solely because all the feelings and emotions where there, I just didn’t know how to explain them, or describe them. I’m still so blank on writting. Which scares me! I love to write, I haven’t written anything on my own for months now, if it isn’t a blog post explaining where I’ve been, that’s about it. It scares me, something I love doing and enjoy so much, something that brings me so much joy, is just not bringing me joy anymore. I’m never going to stop writing. Ever! 

Since my last post, I was okay for a while, and now I’m not. Right back where I started, and so much deeper. And I feel as though this pattern of disappearing for a month and coming back is sorta getting old. I just want to be okay, and healthy. But I’m not, and that’s not okay. I’ve never been okay. I’ve never been able to be okay. 

This is so not me saying I’m going to stop writing for a while. I just want my followers to know, or if you care, that if I don’t post for a month at a time, I’m probably in a dark place and just don’t want to do anything. This is mostly for me to read back later and remind myself to, WRITE MORE. Oh, I should make a slogan or something! Omg. 

I’ve got so much to say. And I’ve been thinking, I think I might start posting my short stories on here. I’m not sure if that’s a good idea, but I’ve definitely been thinking about it. 

-B-

June 7th 12:50 a.m. 

June 9th 12:37 a.m

I’ve been in such a low place for such a long time. Not writing nor music seems to get me out this sorta deep dark hole I’ve managed to dig and bury myself into. I don’t know where to begin.

But to be completely honest with you, I don’t really remember how it started, how I managed to get so deep into self destruction. I’m never really okay, but sometimes when I pretend long enough, it starts to feel real. It started to feel real. That’s when everything came crashing down. 

I’m not going to go too much into detail, simply because this story is such a complicated one. One that does not have an ending. One that I’m so deeply intertwined with.

June 7th @ 12:50

I tried to kill myself. I don’t remember why, I just remember crying for such a long time, feeling so numb and so tired. Everything seemed blurry. I felt physically sick. I guess there’s still some silver of hope burning at my core, yearning for escape. Because once I realized what I had done. I rid my body of everything I had put in it. Nobody knew, nobody had to. I carried on the next day as if nothing happened. 

Feeing so depersonalized for such a long time, then entering this phase of severe depression. Everything is such a blur. 

everything is such a FUCKING blur. 

Truthfully I don’t know how to be okay. I’m stuck in this place of endless sadness. This whole trying and hanging in there shit is getting harder each day. I probably make no sense.

Everysinglethingiswrong. 

So, if you were wondering where the hell I’ve  been. (I don’t know why you would, or if you are). And why I haven’t written anything in a month now..? A lot has been going on, I just haven’t been able to, wanted to, or felt the need to sit down and write anything. 

-B-

Subtle

Hey, 

I love cupcakes and mango pineapple smoothies, I believe in unicorns. I still watch kids show and enjoy them very much! I love to write. I’m bisexual, and I’m in love with a girl. I love the rain, the sound of it, and thunder. 

I realized I haven’t written in so long! A lot has been going on and I just haven’t had time to sit down, and pour my soul out! 

With that being said, I have a lot to tell. So stay tuned?… 

Future explanation coming very soon! I hope you’re okay! 

You’re beautiful,

You’re worth it

You’re love

And I love you. 

 Have a beautiful morning, day, night, afternoon, evening! 

Xoxo

Inconsistency 

Here we go again, my fake promises I can never seem to fulfill. Once again, I told myself I would TRY (key word try) to blog daily, what did I NOT do? 

Moving on. My week has been a week of ups and downs, unfortunately I ended it by me having a mental breakdown at school. I rarely cry at school. And when I do, i cry in the bathroom, get myself together, and come out smiling. But yesterday was different. Like I said, I rarely cry at school, so when people saw me crying it came as a shock to them. They were concerned. How come I wasn’t my happy self today? They wondered what was wrong, but there is no use in talking to people. It wasn’t just sobs, it was crying out LOUD, shaking uncontrollably, my chest felt as though it was closing, I couldn’t breathe, my chest had this burning sensation, my head was spinning. I’m usually one to want someone to hold me when I’m crying or feeling sad. But this time, I didn’t want anyone to touch me, no one was allowed to come within a feet of me. I felt physically sick. I was convinced I was going to suffocate to death. 

I’m saying this because as I sit here, I’m contemplating whether or not I should go to this party. Keep in mind the only reason I DO want to go is because there’s going to be drugs, and alcohol. More self destruction. That’s all this week has been filled with. Me self destructing. I’m physically drained and for the first time in months! This is going to be such an easy no for me. 

Black and Grey

If emotions were colors, then everything is black and grey.muffled and faded. Not washed away, just faded. I found solace in the darkest place. When people found out what I had been doing they asked me why?, But there’s no use in talking to people who have a home. They have no idea what its like to seek safety in other people, for home to be where ever you lie your head. I was Scared to the point that I couldn’t even talk about it. But the feeling is only temporary. After a while, it goes away. And I, am myself again. 

Why? Ask Why not? 

Why? You want to know why?
Step into a tanning booth and fry yourself for two or three days. After your skin bubbles and peels off, roll in coarse salt, then pull on long underwear woven from spun glass and razor wire. Over that goes your regular clothes, as long as they’re tight.
Smoke gun powder and go to school to jump through hoops, sit up and beg, and roll over on command. Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling your ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore ad worst of all, “a disappointment.” Puke and  starve and cut and drink because you don’t want to feel any of this. Puke and starve and drink and cut because you need the anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it’s too late because you’re mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can’t stop it. 

Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat scream that everysinglething is wrong with you. 

“Why?” Is the wrong question.

Ask “why not?” 

-winter girls