I ask myself….

How have you been? How are you feeling right now?

these are questions I found myself asking a lot during the day. And whenever I did, I always seemed to find something in the darkest corner of my mind that I didn’t pay attention to before that point.

I’m okay. Sometimes I’m not sure how to answer that. most of the times my brain is full and spinning and I can’t seem to form cohesive thoughts. sometimes i can’t seem to pin point what it is that I’m afraid of. I can’t find the reason for my sadness. my head and heart is heavy most of the times. just one big giant ball of cluster fuck. That fear of vulnerability terrifies me. That feeling of getting excited for something or someone and being let down plagues my mind, all of the time. I won’t let myself fully feel. Because I am afraid. I am afraid of being let down and disappointed. I’m afraid of the heavy thoughts and the days when everything is just heavy and cloudy. There were many lonely nights of drinking to feel numb, drinking to black out. Many of nights of making bad decisions to feel numb. There were many days of pure panic leading up to panic attacks that left me feeling exhausted, empty and non human. There were days when I dissociated so badly that it scared the people around me, that left me terrified and exhausted. which led me to isolate. It’s been hard.

It’s been three months. In the last three months, I started college, moved away from home; was able to somehow make it this far on my own. Not that i needed anyone, I think I’m a very independent person, ever since I was little. It feels refreshing, It’s been extremely hard, but here I am. In the last 3 months, I fell in love, got my heart broken, twice. Just to meet someone, and fall in love again. hard. It’s been hard, especially with my depression and anxiety. First semester of college has been interesting up to this point. I’ve met some really cool people and formed bonds with them. I also somehow managed to perform okay in school whilst also being in the worst state I’ve experienced with my depression and anxiety yet. There was one week when I didn’t leave my bed or attend classes, but i always bounced back and got my shit together. It was hard, It’s been hard. Here I am. Winter break started Friday so I’m home for the holidays.

 

 

-B-

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Here is the latest installment in my series on eating disorders. If you haven’t read the others, here’s what’s up: A passionate girl named Gabriela approached me and asked me if she could share her story. She is a great advocate for those with mental illness, particularly girls with eating disorders. She is currently in the […]

via Guest Blog: Dealing With The Stigma Around Eating Disorders — Slay Girl Society

Why? Ask Why not? 

Why? You want to know why?
Step into a tanning booth and fry yourself for two or three days. After your skin bubbles and peels off, roll in coarse salt, then pull on long underwear woven from spun glass and razor wire. Over that goes your regular clothes, as long as they’re tight.
Smoke gun powder and go to school to jump through hoops, sit up and beg, and roll over on command. Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling your ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore ad worst of all, “a disappointment.” Puke and  starve and cut and drink because you don’t want to feel any of this. Puke and starve and drink and cut because you need the anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it’s too late because you’re mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can’t stop it. 

Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat scream that everysinglething is wrong with you. 

“Why?” Is the wrong question.

Ask “why not?” 

-winter girls 

I’m not crazy

In less than one week, I’ve managed to go from feeling like a somebody, to feeling like nothing, you know that sick feeling you get every time you look in the mirror, the self hatred you have for yourself that no one will ever understand, the self hate you never let anyone in on, because you’re afraid of what people might say and think of you. so, it becomes YOUR little secret. (smile they’ll never tell the difference) Breaking News: “I hate myself” shocker, I’m constantly baffled by the amount of negative feed back I get from people; yeah I know, I always say “I don’t care what people say or think about me, why does it even matter?”. But lets face it, I die inside every time someone say something remotely mean or rude. For instance, the other day I had my headphone in as always, doing my work in class, when i was asked a question by this kid. (AND LET ME JUST SAY, I HATE IT MORE THAN ANYTHING WHEN I HAVE TO TAKE MY HEADPHONE OUT TO SPEAK, I HAVE IT IN FOR A REASON). and I answered his question, to my surprise, this guy turned around and said to me “Why don’t you go kill yourself” and laughed, and so did everyone else. Maybe I need to update my sense of humor, but I am pretty sure, that’s really fucked up. so, I turned around and I said to him “I’ll burn you” suddenly everyone became alarmed, like I was holding a gun against his head demanding he give me crash right at that moment, or I was going to shoot him. I guess my teacher heard what I said to him, and give me this 90 hour speech on threats and how that could lead to lawsuits and shit. (how about this kid telling me to go kill myself?) (shhhh.. be quite..nobody ever listens to you) as if he didn’t just hear this kid tell me to go kill myself, like suicide was a joke. I thought to myself, “Maybe I should.” no I can’t, I made a promise I have to meet Demi Lovato and Beyonce before I die. Suddenly feeling invisible. ha, that’s an understatement.

A Letter of Regret From Your Anxious and Depressed Friend

This is so true, and very powerful. thank you.

talkingthisandthat

Dear Friend,

I was not always this way.

I did not always hide away from the general public for months or weeks at a time. Once I was quite confident. I occasionally felt happy. I had a full time job and I could face customers with no concern. I would chat to people over the phone, make an effort to see friends, be interested in daily life. I could cope with negativity. Overcome it, even. I wouldn’t let anything bring me down because I had something inside me that made me keep going out there, into the world, facing it all.

But sometimes, Friend, things happen. Sometimes just one thing. Sometimes many things. The courage to face these things is strong at first, at least stronger than now. But depending on luck, or coincidence, or fate, or opportunity, eventually the voice of that courage for some people is quieter. Weaker…

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The Death of My Sophomore Year ☠

SCHOOL’S OUT! SUMMERTIME! IT’S OUR VACATION!

High School Musical anybody? No? NO?

WELL, I survived Sophomore Year, which is a lot to say being that I hated every single person, for good reasons I assure you:

people are fake, and so very, very childish.

You come into high school with your friends thinking: ‘Man it’s going to be great guys, we’re going to stay friends forever, we’re gonna do X, Y, Z’,

But after freshman year, everyone changes, and everyone goes their separate ways, not waiting for you to catch up with them and they change.

you loose all your “friends”, they won’t even look in your direction anymore, but then you’re like fuck that. you make new friends, and life’s great again. until they start acting like shitheads.

And let’s not even start on the drama that surrounded me, and I had no idea what was happening. But you try to stay positive. You try to make amends with your friends but they’re still shitheads so then you’re like okay I’m done and temporarily turn into a heartless robot.

But then you meet new people who are just like who, who have been hurt and know exactly what you’re going through. You guys click and you form a new group of people who love you for you, and life is great again.

Then summer vacation comes, and your sophomore year is over and you’re a junior.. well almost.

Hoping these bunch of friends you’ve become so close with don’t just ditch you next year and decide they don’t like you anymore.

And if that happens fuck people!

My summer should be freaking fantastic! and I’m not even worried about next year or the year to come or after that, because no matter what happens… well… I’ve got Netflix mate.