I hate you, don’t leave me

I often find myself going through these vicious cycle of pure anger. I’m not sure where it comes from. Or how to explain it. But I’m just so angry; so fucking tired of being caught between this reality of feeling, and not feeling. Feeling of I hate you, I hate you, I hate everyone leave me alone, to someone please hold me; show me all the love you have you your heart, please ask me what’s wrong. Stay with me and don’t leave. But instead of saying that, I’m just angry at everyone and anyone. It’s gotten so extreme that I’ve closed myself off to everyone, I stay in my dorm angry and sad. I’m not sure how to stop this feeling and I’m not sure I can. But right now, I’m feeling everything all at once, and I really don’t want to.

-B-

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HI

I’ve been MIA for a very, very long time. A lot’s been going on. With working, and getting ready to go off to college, I found it hard to keep up with my posts. Now I know what you’re thinking, this isn’t the first time. But unlike the rest of those other times, I just couldn’t find the time to sit and write, so here I am. (because I know you’re all dying to read what I have to say, also, what a shit excuse.) I’m in college now, it’s amazing. I love the campus, I love the people, I love the new friends I’ve allowed myself to make, I love my classes. Except for Statistics of course! because, FUCK MATH. and FUCK stats. But I need it for my major so you know, gotta suck it up!

anyway, I don’t really know what to write. It’s been such a long time, well my mental health! yes, how’s that? you ask. Well right now, it’s not doing so well, like I mentioned in a post from a while back, when I was in middle school or high school, I’d allowed myself mental health days throughout the week, just to keep up with my mental state. But I’ve come to find out that in college, I can’t just call out, or have my mom call out and tell them I’m sick. Because my professors don’t give a fuck about my mental state. or if show up or don’t show up.

STRESS.

woah, I had a panic attack yesterday in my psychology class, I’m blessed it was psychology, because everyone understood and my professor was just so nice and so sweet and just so amazing about it. it wasn’t a big deal, he understood. which was pretty fucking awesome.

I have atleast two or three emotional breakdowns each day. which is pretty cool! I have a lot to say, but I’m just going to leave this here for a while. I’m back. And worse, so stick around.

p.s. There’s this girl. She’s a badass, and beautiful, and caring, and funny, and she makes me laugh, she gets my jokes, we can make fun or each other and say stupid things and laugh about it. we’re in likes. (I’ve been saying weird shit like this for months now) BUT. she hasn’t yet figured out who SHE is yet. WHICH IS TOTALLY FINE. Because I’m having fun and she’s having fun I think, and we’re both happy when we’re together.  There is no rush to put labels on anything, we’re having fun and trying to figure things out so that’s pretty cool.

If you’ve noticed at this point in this whole post, because as I’m reading this, I’m realizing that I’ve become a shit writer, but that’s okay! I was never good to begin with!

Thanks for giving a fuck!

-B-

 

 

 

 

Ride

I was in the winter of my life. And the men that I met along the road were my only summer. At night, I fell asleep with visions of myself.  Dancing and laughing and crying with them. And my memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times. I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet, but upon an unfortunate series of events I saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky, that I wished on. Over and over again. Sparkling and broken.

but I didn’t really mind, because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted, and then losing it, to know what true freedom is. when the people I used to know found out what I’ve been doing, how I’ve been living, they asked me why? but there’s no use in talking to people who have a home. They have no idea what it’s like to seek safety in other people, for home to be where ever you lie your head.

I was always an unusual girl, my mother told me I had a chameleon soul. No moral compass pointing due north. No fixed personality. Just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide in its watering as the ocean. And if I said I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way, I’d be lying. Because I was born to be the other women, I belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone.  who had nothing, who wanted everything. With a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom, that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about it. And pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.

live fast

die young

be wild

and have fun

When I’m at war with myself, I ride. I just ride.

who are you? are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies? Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them? I have, I am fucking crazy.

But I am free.

Pills, lies, vomit, prom.. 

So my last post was about something new? New to you all, I guess! 

If you didn’t catch it, yes I’m bi! And no, I’m not confused or don’t know what I want, or any of the other bullshit people LOVE to say when you tell them you’re bi ( or gay in general) And the girl I was talking about?, I took her to prom, and that was fun. I’ve been meaning to talk about this for such a LONG time, I would write a whole blog post about it, but soon after, either delete it or let it sit in my draft. So like why not? I won’t get too much into detail because that isn’t what this is about, and I’m not quite sure I’m ready to explain that part of my life just yet? No I’m not embarrassed, or anything else you might think. Its just the simple fact of, I just don’t wanna! When that time is right, I’ll talk about it. 

Moving on?

These past couple of weeks have been so so so stressful! I mentioned going to prom earlier, that within itself caused so much stress and so much anxiety! One of the main reasons why I don’t want to go to much into detail or say too much is because I already feel so much guilt. Prom night was fun, fun until I got drunk, high, and spend my night purging my heart away. I don’t remember much about that night, I just remember leaving her constantly to go purge. There was food, more food then I thought there was going to be. Not just finger food, but actual food. Some of these foods, included my trigger. I didn’t know how to tell her that, just yet at least. Wanna know the shittiest part? It got so bad that I had to leave. I woke up on my friend’s couch smelling like strong liquor and vomit. There were a lot of people there that she knew and could have fun with. I’m already beginning to fuck this one up. And I really really like her. Tell me, how do you stop your roaring burning desire for self destruction and just… love? 
What happened to not going into the details?

Scatter plot mind 

There are some days, like today, where I want to do absolutely nothing but lay in bed all day and cry. Its great though, because we’re on spring break, so the worry and anxiety of having to call out, put myself together, or try to act “normal” is okay for now, the pressure is off for a while. I don’t know why. I never know why most of the time. I mean, I had a great night last night. My best friend had a bonfire which she made me come to, turned out great by the way! I had an amazing night, with amazing people. I woke up in a good mood this morning, that haven’t happened in a really long time, I usually dread waking up. But this morning I got right up. So its really frustrating as to why I’ve completely shifted into a completely different mood. I’m so fucking sad! And I don’t know why! 

There’s a lot going on up here (my brain), and I wish it could all just fucking stop for a while. Just for a second, i’d love to not think and feel this way. This is such a random post, but fuck it. 

P.s. I hope you’re having a great day, night, afternoon, evening or morning. Wherever you are! 

Quick update: anxiety attack??? 

Before I completely loose my mind, and have a full on break down, I thought I should write my feelings out. Instead of cutting, or binging and purging. (Look at me being all direct!)

Well, let me start off by saying that I have a job now. Which means I work from 5p.m.to 10:30p.m, and then i have to come home and jump straight into my homework, leaving no time to do anything during the day. And for the past week or so, I’ve been working none stop, leaving no time in to really focus on my mental health, didn’t check in with myself. I’ve been bottling it all in. I would like to think I’m a pretty smiley and happy person with customers, but today while serving someone, I just got this feeling of sudden sadness that came out of nowhere. I suddenly realized how sad I was, and this sudden panic just came over me. I became so aware, and extremely self conscious. More then usual. My entire mood changed. I couldn’t form my words, literally. It was hard for me to speak, my mouth felt heavy. It was embrassing, if you’ve ever worked with any kind of restraunt, you know how some customers can be not so understanding and difficult at times. And to have that happen to me in public, just made my entire world crash. A lot has definitely happen over the past week that has caused me to drift into more of a depressed state, I’d say. But I just kind of made myself forget all about it. The stress of it all is just too much.

If I tell you everything we’d all be here for a century. So I’m gonna leave it there….. 

Another update

I was doing okay for  while, then suddenly I wasn’t. I had a slip up today, bulimia wise, And I’m trying really hard to be okay with it, because like I said before, recovery isn’t a race, some peole take a shorter time and some don’t. Regardless of that, if you have ever suffered from an eating disorder, you know that it just doesn’t go away, no matter how many years go by, there will be times when those thoughts slip back in, even if you don’t act upon them, they will sometimes be there. and that is okay. Usually before in the past I’d beat myself up about it, tell myself there’s no reason in carrying on trying to recover now, I’ve already ruined it, there’s no point, might as well keep doing it. Let me clarify one thing though. It hasnt been months or years or something, its only been a week since the last time, but that is a huge deal and a huge progress for me. So when it happened today, for a short period of time, I was sad and angry I started to say hateful things to myself, but my entire perspective changed just within a matter of seconds, I sat down and had a conversation with my body, this isnt weird I promise, there is nothing wrong with talking to your body as if its there, because it is there, I said that i’m was sorry that i made you feel sad, and I’m going to try harder tomorrow. (It doesn’t have to be a long sentence, it could be one word or a couple) For me at least, this Helps. 

I’m not sad about it anymore, I’m happy it happened, it only means I’m getting closer each day to being okay, for things to get better, they first have to get worse. Right? 

Update

I’m doing much better then when I last posted. Much better… What ever that means! So, where do I start… Well, I made a very important self discovery today, its very much vital to this whole recovery thing, which I think is really good that I’ve realized it so early on, its a feeling that I can’t describe to you, nor can I put it into words. I hope that doesn’t claw at you, I wish I could explain it. 

I also discovered today that recovery isn’t about being okay all the time, Ive found myself crying a lot more lately, and at first I was like, “what the hell?” But then it hit me, when you’ve had something at the core of your life for so long and its the only thing you’ve ever known, (positive or negative) you start to rely on that specific thing, and all of a sudden you have to rid it from your life. That’s not only hard but its very much emotional, some days are easier then others; the days that are harder are the days I find myself crying, not because I’m sad specifically, but because I have so much strength and self control to say no; stick to no, that’s how I look at it. If you find yourself crying much more then usual, know that its because you’re so FUCKING strong, and you’ve now seen what everyone else has seen your entire life, you’re worth enough, the happiness and contentment life has to offer you in every way! that you’re now choosing to rid this poison out your life. so keep crying, and keep fighting. Because I believe in you. 

P.s. this post may not make any sense at all, I’m honestly not sure what I’m trying to say, but I hope you do! 

I’m not sure 

First, let me start off by saying there is nothing poetic or pretty about slit wrists, there is nothing to romanticize about eating disorders, depression, suicide, anxiety or any other form of mental illness. You’re not a temple like they want you to believe, you are a failed attempt at failing the void within you, the void that should be filled with love, happiness, and contentment. It isn’t your fault. No one taught you how to fill that hole you’ve dug so deep within your soul. 

Second, let me also add that while this is an absolute mess, I want you all to know that I want this specific post to be as raw as possible, with that being said, I will not read over it to make sure things are spelled correctly or if there are any grammatical errors. So here we go?…

My depression has been kicking my ass. To say the least, my eating habits are completely whack, my brain Is still trying to figure out what my body needs and what it wants. Don’t get me started with my anxiety. She’s a bad one. And right now as I’m sitting here and typing this, I’ve got to let you in on a little secret… I’m in tears. Why? I don’t know. I dont know why I’m sad, I don’t know why. I just don’t know. it’s been a rough day, and after two weeks of poisoning my body and going through countless days of just crying and laying in bed, going through the cycles of self destruct. I’m choosing to write this in hopes of possibly feeling better. Because right now… I feel like shit. 

Recovery Is NOT A Race

So, It’s been a couple of weeks since my last post.

so here we go again?…

I’ve been so busy, stressed, and extremely sleep deprived! I think it’s a little ironic how I plan on getting my masters in clinical Psychology and I can’t even talk about mental health, or when the topic of some mental health issues is brought up, I find myself cringing. Not because I’m embarrassed or something, I just still don’t know how to talk about my it yet. Let alone in front about 35 random unfamiliar strangers.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been the kind of person to fact check people with mental health, and tell them what they need to know and should know, anyone who knows me knows I don’t easily shy away from talking about mental health, but that’s not always the case. It really got me thinking, when is it right to start talking about YOUR OWN mental health? when does it become okay to start sharing with people how you struggle? when is it okay to open up?  Truth is… I still don’t know. Whenever the the topic of eating disorders or cutting is brought up, my stomach sinks, my hands get all sweaty, my entire body feels as though it’s paralyze. I awkwardly sit there and start to panic, like everyone is staring at me, they know! It feels as though there’s a huge sign on my forehead in big bold letters saying,

“WARNING: BULIMIC, SELF-HARM, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, SUICIDAL “,

I can’t help but feel for some weird reason, like everyone knows, they can tell, and they’re all staring at me, judging me. I don’t think I’m at the place in my life yet where I can be honest with not only myself, but with the people around me. And that’s okay, I’m not there yet, but I’m getting there. Little by little I’m starting to open up, not about everything, but about some things!

Recovery is NOT a race, and shouldn’t be treated like one.