How have you been? How are you feeling right now?
these are questions I found myself asking a lot during the day. And whenever I did, I always seemed to find something in the darkest corner of my mind that I didn’t pay attention to before that point.
I’m okay. Sometimes I’m not sure how to answer that. most of the times my brain is full and spinning and I can’t seem to form cohesive thoughts. sometimes i can’t seem to pin point what it is that I’m afraid of. I can’t find the reason for my sadness. my head and heart is heavy most of the times. just one big giant ball of cluster fuck. That fear of vulnerability terrifies me. That feeling of getting excited for something or someone and being let down plagues my mind, all of the time. I won’t let myself fully feel. Because I am afraid. I am afraid of being let down and disappointed. I’m afraid of the heavy thoughts and the days when everything is just heavy and cloudy. There were many lonely nights of drinking to feel numb, drinking to black out. Many of nights of making bad decisions to feel numb. There were many days of pure panic leading up to panic attacks that left me feeling exhausted, empty and non human. There were days when I dissociated so badly that it scared the people around me, that left me terrified and exhausted. which led me to isolate. It’s been hard.
It’s been three months. In the last three months, I started college, moved away from home; was able to somehow make it this far on my own. Not that i needed anyone, I think I’m a very independent person, ever since I was little. It feels refreshing, It’s been extremely hard, but here I am. In the last 3 months, I fell in love, got my heart broken, twice. Just to meet someone, and fall in love again. hard. It’s been hard, especially with my depression and anxiety. First semester of college has been interesting up to this point. I’ve met some really cool people and formed bonds with them. I also somehow managed to perform okay in school whilst also being in the worst state I’ve experienced with my depression and anxiety yet. There was one week when I didn’t leave my bed or attend classes, but i always bounced back and got my shit together. It was hard, It’s been hard. Here I am. Winter break started Friday so I’m home for the holidays.
It’s never fun being home. I feel almost weird and unwanted and unsafe in my own home.
And I don’t want to be. Here… I never did, that’s why leaving for college was so refreshing.
I met a girl.
I miss her, I miss holding her, I miss kissing her. I miss cuddling her all night, and falling asleep in her arms. It’s only been two days away from our safe haven and I’m already dreading being home. It’s going to be a long month.
It’s going to be a LONG month. The feeling of unwanted, awkwardness by my mom and everyone in my house is going to kill me… Maybe that’s a bit dramatic…
I’m in Love and it feels great.