Sometimes I get lost in a maze of my thoughts that I forget who I really am. As horrible as it may sound, no one can save us, we have to save ourselves. We have to dig deep down inside and find that little strength and courage to keep us going. It’s just a spark, but it is enough to keep us going. It’s hard when you have to go through something all alone. When the problem are the voices in your head, those voices you have no control over.Those voices that tell you’re worthless, you’re not good enough, you’re too fat, you’re too skinny, you’re not smart enough, you will never be good enough, your friends secretly hate you, those voices that are constantly reminding your that you’re a disappointment to your family. But for some reason, you have to be the one to fight that monster all by yourself. The raging monster inside of you. You have to be the one to fight it. how can I?
Depression is like cancer, in the sense that it spreads through your veins, and into your bloodstream. Taking over your body. You become a slave to your own mind. Every single thought isn’t your own. You scream into the night as the voices fill your head with lies, whispering fibs. Screaming that EVERYSINGLETHING is wrong with you!
Why? You want to know why?
Step into a tanning booth and fry yourself for two or three days. After your skin bubbles and peels off, roll in coarse salt, then pull on long underwear woven from spun glass and razor wire. Over that goes your regular clothes, as long as they’re tight.
Smoke gun powder and go to school to jump through hoops, sit up and beg, and roll over on command. Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling your ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore ad worst of all, “a disappointment.” Puke and starve and cut and drink because you don’t want to feel any of this. Puke and starve and drink and cut because you need the anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it’s too late because you’re mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can’t stop it.
Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat scream that everysinglething is wrong with you.
“Why?” Is the wrong question.
Ask “why not?”
1. The smell of your favorite Food
2. The feeling you get when you pass a test or a quiz
3. Taking a hot shower after a long day.
4. The smell of the first day of fall
5. Waking up on Christmas morning
6. The taste of your favorite candy
7. Your favorite movie, book, tv character
8. Your BED
9. Getting to watch your favorite Tv show
10. Listening to music. Hearing your favorite song
11. Getting to wear your favorite clothes
12. Getting to travel the world
13. Watching your favorite movie